Long Distance Relationships and the Management Thereof - Part 1 of Many

After much deliberation I have decided to write at least one long-distance-relationship-related post every so often. I have, as yet, not decided how often “every so often” will be.

This, as your first post on the topic, will be a bit scathing and probably more than a little discouraging.

Now, some people seem to think that I recommend everyone give long-distance dating a try. I would never, ever recommend this. In fact, today I am going to go down a list of reasons why some people should NOT be in a long distance relationship.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP IF:

01. You tend to be jealous, possessive, or suspicious. It doesn’t work, guys. If you do not completely trust the person you are dating over a long distance, then you’re either not going to last long or you will make yours and your partner’s lives miserable for the duration of the relationship.

02. You place physical closeness very high on your list of priorities in a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with this if it is true of you; it just means that in your case, where you need to be close to someone to be able to be close to them emotionally, a LDR is not for you. It also typically means you communicate more through action and gesture than through words.

03. You do not have an accessible internet connection and a webcam. This really should go without saying. It just makes things easier than being on the phone all the time and running up expensive phone bills. Welcome to today.

04. You are inflexible or have commitments that prevent you from being flexible with your time. It’s true. It could be your career or even family, but if these things keep you anchored in place and unable to compromise when a LDR reaches a certain point, you probably shouldn’t be in one. You could argue that your partner could always come to you, but that expectation gives your relationship an ultimatum of sorts, and that’s not good.

05. You do not have an active social life. If all you do in your LDR is go home, sit around, and wait for your partner to go online or call you, you are making your LDR your social crutch. That means that you’re putting undue pressure on it to work, and it also means that you probably don’t have much to talk to your partner about. Don’t do this. Have a life, then have a LDR.

06. You are impatient. You will only suffer through the LDR if you are unable to take a deep breath every so often and realize that you have to wait. Yes, you can make things happen and you should be proactive in any relationship, but you have to understand that there are far more variables in a LDR than otherwise, and most of them are out of your control.

07. You tend towards a negative or pessimistic attitude in things that are important to you. Focusing on what you don’t have is a surefire way to kill an otherwise functional LDR. A LDR requires people whose glasses are half full, who are fixated on what they have rather than what they don’t. Constantly reminding yourself that the distance is there and that the distance sucks will wear both you and your partner down.

08. You are very, very bad at expressing yourself in words. And, more importantly, have little or no desire to improve in that particular area. Words are most of what you have to go on, here, so you really need to be able to put the abstract thoughts and abstracter feelings in your head into words that your partner can understand. It’s a skill that is worth learning in general, but it’s also one that is key to a LDR.

09. You have a deadline. Yes, a healthy LDR means there is a plan in place for the distance to end. Eventually. But you cannot say “if we are not in close proximity by this date, then we are over.” That’s an expiration date. That’s unrealistic and unfair. Having an IDEA of when you want to end the distance is okay, but a do-or-die expectation is not.

10. You already have a bad opinion of LDRs and think they never work. In which case, you’re not going to try 100% because you’ve already lost before you’ve even begun to fight. Also, click here to see why your opinion is WRONG.

So there you have it. 10 perfectly good reasons for someone not to be in a LDR. To be clear, some are bigger dealbreakers than others, and none of them will guarantee a failed LDR. For the most part, these are things that will make a LDR particularly challenging, and I would recommend you not explore a LDR if too many of these things are true for you. But, if you want to give a LDR a shot in spite of these insights, I do, of course, wish you the best of luck. It’s still possible to make it work, it just means you have to work that much harder.

But no matter your personality, if you are going into a LDR or are in one and are suffering, just remember the golden rule of a long distance relationship:

For the right person, all the extra work and effort is worth it.