“Legacy” is Such a Strong Word

A good friend of the family passed away last week. I didn’t hear about it until today because, well, I live far away from home and I’m very bad at keeping in touch. Okay, that’s a bit selfish; it’s probably because my father was still coming to grips with what happened and didn’t feel he wanted to update my sister and I on it until after he was feeling better.

It was all very sudden; he was on the golf course with his wife when he suddenly collapsed. He could not be resuscitated and died without regaining consciousness. Cause: massive and sudden heart attack.

My parents sent me a copy of the memorial booklet that was put together for his funeral, which took place in Hong Kong. It contains letters in both Cantonese and English written to him by friends and family containing the last words they want to say to or about him. Reading through this booklet amidst tears, it brought some things to mind that I want to write about.

It’s a common question: what do you want people to say about you or to you when you do, inevitably, pass on?

At my present age, my parents have been going through a string of departing friends and family. Be it old age or failing health, these departures have been widely varied in their circumstance, their reception, and their impact. I have observed and supported my parents through their grief, seldom stopping to think on my own. Always, in the back of my head, was the thought that no matter how I sad I was that these people had passed on, it was much harder for my parents, and it was for them that I must be strong.

It made me wonder what I would feel or experience if I were in my parents’ place, with my own father or mother passing on, with my own close friends passing on, or even with my spouse leaving me behind. Would people be strong for me? Or do I have to put on a brave face and support those around me? What happens if I’m not strong enough?

It, in turn, makes me wonder what happens when I die.

Witnessing someone’s mortality always calls into question your own, so what I’m going through is likely very run-of-the-mill. Perhaps it’s the suddenness that got to me in Uncle Leo’s case, but it really made me wonder: if I were to die right now, what would I have to show for it? What would people say about me or want to say to me?

Strangely enough, I was pretty okay with what came to mind. I would have many things that I would have never gotten to do, true, but as to what I have accomplished, I’m pretty okay with it. Given my young age (yeah, I said it, I’m still young dammit), what I have managed to do with my life is okay by me. I may not be on par with other 26-27ers out there, but I’m not playing on their golf course, I’m playing on mine… and I’ve got an E on that leaderboard.

I don’t know if I will go into the specifics as there are still so many things I want to do, that I want to be remembered for. Sure, I’m okay, but I’m sure as hell not going to settle with okay. That shit don’t win any trophies, son.

But yeah if I go before my time, I don’t want to hear about how tragic or early everything was. I want to hear about how I managed to kick SO MUCH ASS in such a short period of time… and my definition of kicking ass is touching as many lives as I can, no matter how slight the influence or how deep the grope.