20 April - Reflections on a Train

On the way home today, I and five other ladies in the vicinity reached up to fix our hair at precisely the same time. The train had just pulled up to the platform, and we could see our reflections in the windows of the train.

It was reflexive; I wasn’t waiting for the train to arrive so that I could fix my hair. But you’re looking straight ahead at opposite platforms, wondering what you’ll write about for your blog today, and then whoosh the train rushes across your line of the sight and, egocentric being that you are, the first thing you notice is your own reflection in the glass window. You notice a lock of hair out of place, or something just not sitting right, and you reach up to fix it, almost automatically.

The same may be going on the heads of other ladies on the platform, for in almost perfect sync we reach up to our hair and start fiddling with it, as if on silent cue. There’s a very good chance we were all prompted by the sight of ourselves.

What does that say about the ladies who did this and those who did not? Are those of us who all reached up to adjust our appearance (subconsciously, almost) simply vain or insecure? Why did we notice ourselves in the first place?

It’s entirely possible that the ones who did not touch their hair just didn’t see themselves in a mirror. It’s also possible that they just don’t care, that they did look at themselves and found nothing to fix, or that they did not have a view of the train in the first place. They could have just had a long day at work and just want to get home and don’t really give a flying fart what they look like and so don’t even spot their reflection at all. They could just have the kind of personality where they stare at everything and anything except other people and their own reflections.

So what can I take away from this observation and from asking these questions?

I spot myself in reflections all the time. Windows, mirrors in stores, even the sides of cars (and after spotting myself in the last one I irrationally decide not to eat anything for the whole day before reminding myself that it’s a reflection in the side of a car). I check, constantly, on how I look. My hair, which has been fussy as of late. My clothes, because I’m not sure if I’m pulling them off. The size of my mid-riff, which starts out flat in the morning but inflates at an alarming rate as the day goes on. My make-up, if I have any on, to see if I can spot any smudges or marks.

When I spot something out of place, I fix it. When I think something is out of place, I touch it to make sure it isn’t. Therefore, I touch my face and hair… a lot. And in touching my face, if I have make-up on, I will then crave an opportunity to check it in a mirror to make sure I haven’t smudged anything.

So why this behaviour? I have been accused of vanity, of self-centeredness, of narcissism, and of arrogance. Some of that might be true, sure, but those words on their own don’t really tell much of a story. Really, it’s a mix of knowing that I am easy on the eyes (but not as attractive as I could be) and feeling decidedly unattractive. Sometimes I notice I am more attentive to myself when I have put some effort into how I look. Other times I notice that I just don’t care what I look if I know I look great. My insecurities abound, and many would claim I don’t have much to feel insecure about.

I have, in the past, been accused of fishing for compliments because “you’re so gorgeous, shut up why would you even say shit like that.”

In response, I would say that people who would accuse and deride others for fishing for compliments should probably not say anything at all. Most of the damn time, even a chick you think is stunning doesn’t feel stunning and a lot of the self-derogatory talk you hear so many girls say is them voicing a legitimate concern, not because they want to hear a compliment, but because they want reassurance that it’s just their insecurity talking and not the fact that their make-up is currently smudged in twelve different directions and that their body type looks ridiculous in that style of dress and that their hair is, in fact, looking like it was recently on fire.

So yeah. You might think a gorgeous gal is just fishing for compliments, but maybe before you get all jealous and catty you should probably think about why someone you perceive as gorgeous may feel that they need to fish in the first place, because no girl who is truly confident in her appearance has to ask or bait people if they look hot, they just know they do. Thing is, there just aren’t many such women out there, and ain’t that a damn shame.