Ironically, I Couldn’t Think of a Clever Title for This Post

Communication skills. It’s one of the first things I put down in any job application, résumé/CV, or application form. When they ask for skills or strengths, BAM, “communication” is at the top every time, and I am, perhaps paradoxically to some people, not afraid to admit that I have very good communication skills. But what does this even mean? Is it a catchphrase that you’re just expected to have in your backpack, ready to whip out at a moment’s notice when the need arises? The definition may vary from person to person, and this probably comes down to how you look at communication in general.

I view communication as a catch-all phrase for human interaction. It includes the spoken or written word, the tone in which those words are shared, and the non-verbal cues that accompany the manner in which they are delivered (when applicable). Some argue that written communication is different from spoken communication. Sure, it’s different, but it’s still under that umbrella of communication. You are imparting an idea, thought, feeling, or perspective to someone who may not share that idea, thought, feeling, or perspective.

Imagine you have two people (Ann and Ben, say) trying to share an orange but they’re getting pretty pissy about it because they both express that they want the whole thing, but they do not every specify why. In the end, they share it by cutting it in half. Ann then goes to make a tiny glass of orange juice while Ben zests off some rind to flavour a cake. It’s a basic example of poor communication. Sometimes, we’re so focused on what we want or on winning (that is, them getting what they want means we can’t have what we want) that we don’t consider how we can maybe get what we want while someone else can also get what they want.

Pollock and Van Reken have pointed out in a lot of literature that Third Culture Kids are usually predisposed to having a good foundation for developing strong communication skills. Their observations indicate that because TCKs are frequently fish out of water, surrounded by foreign environments that do not share or reflect their own in-built mindsets, they have to develop communication skills from a young age. Without cultural context to connect them with their peers, we as TCKs often have to go out of our way to find ways to communicate our ideas in ways others will understand.

Essentially, TCKs are good at communicating because we pretty much had to be when growing up. It’s pretty hard to make friends if you can’t talk to them in ways they will understand, having only a rudimentary understanding of their cultural background. Therefore, we were forced to practice and get better at it because the alternative was basically self-ostracizing.

I firmly believe, as I mentioned in my previous post, that communication is about both giving and receiving information. I need to be as good at helping someone understand my ideas as I should be at understanding theirs. The onus is on both the speaker and the listener to ensure the message is properly received, and I find I cannot emphasize that enough.

Miscommunication goes both ways. Usually it’s because the speaker is not being clear about what he or she is communicating, or it’s because the listener is not paying enough attention to what the speaker is communicating. People tend to get exasperated and throw their hands up in the air and exclaim, “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!” while the speaker says the same thing over and over again. Other times, speakers are trying to convey their message in different ways but the listener is still missing the point and misinterpreting the message. The fault is on both sides.

When speaking (and though I say “speak” I do include body language and tone in this), consider your listener. Consider your conversation up to that point. If they misinterpreted what you said, don’t focus on the fact that they missed the point. Look at how they missed the point. Was it a word you used that they have different connotations for than you do? Did you use a phrase that triggered something that made them focus on it? Was it your body language conveying something other than what you were saying? How else can you clarify what you’re trying to say? From what angle can you describe your message to address the misinterpretation?

Speakers have a veritable jungle of tools available to them. Metaphors and analogies are good, but use them appropriately and make sure your analogy is simple to understand, explained clearly, and relevant. Step away from slang and use clear language. Don’t swear if you’re angry; use your tone to convey your anger but keep your words appropriate. Words have an awful lot of power that can sometimes overshadow the effects of body language, so choose them carefully. Use hand gestures, posture, and eye contact where appropriate to lend emphasis to your tone or words. Pause if you must, think about how next to approach the message.

And for the love of god, don’t “like, um, y’know” them to death.

When listening, consider your speaker. Allow for language barriers, accents, or cultural context. Make eye contact when appropriate. Don’t obsess over how you’re going to respond, just listen. Pay attention to their body language and tone. Don’t get pedantic and hung up on words when their tone and body language have made their meaning clear. Ask for clarification if you think something rings false or sounds a bit vague or if you think you missed the point. Allow for the possibility that yes, you have in fact missed the point.

Do not, do not, do NOT interrupt. 

Reflecting and summarizing are two skills imparted to us during our first semester in the Master of Social Work. They are both skills for listeners but speakers being aware of them can only make communication that much more seamless. Of them, summarizing is what I am best at, and summarizing is my favourite thing in the world. TCKs are well aware of the possibility for misinterpretation, usually because our experiences are not “relatable” to a lot of people around us. So, from what I can see, I became quite proficient the skill of summarizing in my development as a TCK. I did not even know it was a skill that I had until an instructor this past semester pointed out that I am very, very good at it. (Toot tooting my own horn. TOOT TOOT.)

Summarizing is taking what the speaker has said and repackaging it into a short, easy-to-understand summary. Say they went into a ten-minute tirade about their day, a good summarizer yanks out key points and smashes them down into a couple of sentences. A rant about dishes, laundry, cleaning, tidying up, individual space, and the frustrations thus related boils down to: “So basically you’re saying that your partner is having trouble understanding what you want them  to do in the house and you feel like you don’t know how to make it clear to them.”

This is effective in two ways. One, you are basically letting them have their rant, which may have let them go off on a series of tangents, and bringing them right back to the crux of the matter. Two, you are ensuring that you got the message, the gist of what they are saying. Meaning can get lost in conversation (doubly so in a monologue), so it’s extremely important to summarize what you got from their overall meaning to make sure it’s what they meant to say. The speaker can then correct you if you have focused on the wrong thing, or they can confirm that yes, you’ve gotten it right. While the former can occasionally make the speaker feel like you’re not listening, you do need to consider what could happen if you did NOT summarize and went with your incorrect conclusion anyway.

Summarizing repeatedly ensures that you both understand one another correctly, and the simpler you put it, the more effective it is because you reduce the chance of the speaker misinterpreting YOUR summary in turn. Summarizing can also generate new detail in discussion, with a “Yes, that’s right, and…” response from the speaker. It has its uses in counselling, to be sure, but it also has its uses in any kind of communication.

SIDEBAR: Reflecting, for those curious, is when you reflect a speaker’s thoughts or feelings back to them and is similar to summarizing in that you are rewording what the speaker has said by identifying a key point in what was said, but there is less emphasis on drawing the whole key message together.